Thinking Through Divorce and Remarriage

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On Divorce and Remarriage

In my position on divorce and remarriage I aim to be both scriptural and pastoral, both firm and redemptive. First, I will give a bit of biographical information, not because I base my theology on experience, but it may give insight to how I allow theology to give insight into my experiences.

I know personally that the effects of divorce are long-lasting and far-reaching. Being a product of a broken home I understand first-hand the devastation of divorce. My parents divorced when I was thirteen but remained together for financial reasons. They finally separated during my junior year in high school. During this time I was largely overlooked due to the fact that I was a good student and my younger brother’s rebellion resulted in my parents focusing a lot of attention his way. At an age where I was in sore need of guidance, parental support and limits placed on me I was left primarily to my own devices. Gone was the stability of my nuclear family. Ahead were financial concerns, debates on living arrangements, and a loss of innocence. I’m sure that was not my parents’ intent, they just decided they couldn’t live together. However, their decision sent shockwaves through my life.

In 1995 I began dating Martha. At that time, she was a recently divorced woman with two children who were going through issues similar to what I had experienced. We married in 1996 and I began to experience divorce in a whole new way: through the eyes of a step-parent. Though I had lived through it myself, I was not really prepared to be a father figure to two children. I failed miserably in many areas. It seemed our marriage was heading for divorce as well. You see, Martha never resolved the issues of her first marriage. In many ways, she saw in me the same issues seen in her first husband. All the ways he hurt her were now attributed to my account. At the same time, I really had no idea what it meant to be a husband or a father. My childhood home life had not been conducive for “catching on” to what a good marriage looks like. Disagreements on how to handle the kids and job stress compounded the issues. Our marriage seemed headed for divorce: her second, my first.

However, in 1998 I became a follower of Jesus Christ. My conversion and subsequent life change was radical. Radical is good in many ways, not so good in a few other ways. I immediately gave up alcohol, porn, poker, rated R movies and foul language. My wife bought me a big, black NIV Life Application Study Bible and I was in it for hours. I learned I was supposed to be the priest of the home, the spiritual head of my family and I took the challenge with reckless abandon. However, zeal that is not tempered with knowledge and wisdom is dangerous. Consequently, I made many parenting mistakes even after my conversion. I didn’t know how to lead the family altar. I didn’t know how to let kids make mistakes. I had no idea how to go about helping the kids to establish their own faith. How I was in need of a mentor to help me through this uncharted territory.

Despite all the pain I have experienced and witnessed due to divorce, I hold that it is not the unpardonable sin. While divorce is always the result of sin, God is a God of grace. He can heal the victims and forgive the perpetrators.

Views on Divorce and Remarriage

First, we must understand God’s design and intention for the marriage bond. Scripture teaches that the marriage bond is to be a monogamous, life-long relationship between a man and a woman. The bond is established in covenant, whereby the man and woman commit to each other, with God as witness. Throughout history God has utilized the covenant form to express his relationship to His people, first to Adam, then Noah, Abraham, et al. Finally, the New Covenant provides for salvation in Christ Jesus. It is obvious that covenants are meaningful signs of life-long, monogamous commitment.

Second, we have to understand that marriage is between two mortal humans hampered by sin natures. These two aspects of humanity, human and sinful, are important to note because scriptural teaching does seem to allow for the breaking of the covenant when the marriage bond is severed. For example, in the case of the death of one of the covenant partners the marriage bond is considered broken. (1 Cor. 7:39) Also, while it is not God’s design for marriages to end, scriptural teaching does seem to allow for dissolution of marriages in certain situations such as sexual infidelity and marital abandonment. (Matt. 5:31-32, 19:9; 1 Cor. 7:15) I don’t want to be seen to minimize marriage or make it disposable, for that is not my conviction. I am just pointing out that marriages can be ended.

As for remarriage, explicit scriptural teaching seems to allow for it, at least in situations where a previous marriage ended due to the death of a spouse. (1 Cor. 7:39) Paul even seems to allow for remarriage in the case of divorce. (1 Cor. 7:27-28) It is safe to say that remarriage is allowed in situations where divorce is morally acceptable or in the case of an innocent party. The hard questions emerge when the divorce itself is not on acceptable grounds. However, I reiterate that God is full of grace. Thoughtful people may disagree, but I do believe that remarriage can be allowed for innocent parties, and even for some offending parties if heartfelt repentance, with accompanying fruit, has been forthcoming.

An Ounce of Prevention

In the area of divorce and remarriage the church obviously has a lot of work to do before the marriage, during the marriage to prevent marital failures. I believe the church also needs to do a better job even after the marriage has ended. On the front end, as a portion of church discipline, churches need to require extensive pre-marital counseling that upholds God’s standard for lifelong commitment and equips potential spouses to fulfill their God-given roles in marriage. Another way is to do everything possible to discourage and prevent divorces within the church by refraining from performing marriages between believers and non-believers, upholding sexual immorality as the only viable grounds for divorce, and by utilizing church discipline to address the offending parties.

In cases of divorce or separation, counseling should be aimed at reconciliation whenever possible. At the same time, the church can lovingly minister to those who have been divorced, helping them to heal and overcome any contributing behaviors, and seeking to get them back to a state where they can contribute to the church’s ministries. Special care should be aimed toward ministering to children of broken homes so that the cycle of broken relationships does not continue. The church must lead out in this area or she has failed miserably at being salt and light to a decaying and dark world.